Forgiveness

2016. The year the world broke or that’s what the media would have you believe. So many of our legendary musicians, actors and heroes disappeared from our planet. It pains me to think that they will not be around to make more music or films or write books. The thing is we are getting to an age that the people we idolised in our childhoods are starting to get old. Yes, some died too young and it doesn’t seem fair but excessive lifestyles and genetics demand we all be taken at different ages. It is unfortunately part of the process. However…if any of you have discovered a way of becoming immortal then drop me a line!

My own personal 2016 saw pain, I felt a bit like Supergirl when she was banished to the Phantom Zone, all my powers were gone and the mud was so sticky, there was a possibility that I wouldn’t get out alive. Luckily, I have strong women in my life like my mum and best friends that have shown me that just like Supergirl, you NEVER GIVE UP!

At the start of my turmoil a friend wrote to me, she said “Go to the ocean, pick up stones and name each one with an emotion. Throw away the ones you do not wish to have anymore, throw them far, as far as possible and let the water wash them away”. So I went and I threw and I threw. I threw so hard and for so long until the sinew twisted and burned, I threw until I could not even pick up another stone. One stone that I named forgiveness stayed by my side. I could choose to throw that stone away and get on with my life holding a little black hole of hate. See the problem is, forgiveness is the heaviest of stones. You know that if you choose to forgive, it will feel beautiful like a sneeze. But sometimes that sneeze just won’t come and you do everything to try and get there. You look into every light, grasping at every tingle, hoping. Then without any warning the euphoric snot flies all over. I’m not saying that my snot is flying yet, but it could happen any day. Until then, my stone of forgiveness will stay by my side and one day I’ll be ready to hand it gracefully to my former ally.

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Not a feminist?

Some people would think that because I choose to stay at home and look after my children that I am not a feminist but in that sentence is the key word. I CHOOSE to stay at home. I know that when I walk with my husband, we walk side by side. I know that when the day comes, when my children are grown, I will choose a career that fits me, one that I love. I also know that if that career was not one that Jacob agrees with, he will respect my choice.

I watched a huge group of bikers riding up Ventura boulevard this morning from the balcony. I realised that they were all female and that today is International Women’s Day. I’m not the sort of person that follows these things or goes to marches for women’s rights. I just sit, watching from afar, agreeing with everything that other women are fighting for – and benefiting from others’ struggles. Would I be writing this if it were not for someone else’s fight? Would I be telling my husband to change Silver’s nappy or shouting “get your ass through here and set the table” if it were not for someone else’s fight? Would I be freely walking down the street if it was not for someone else’s fight?

I am so not clued up on the history of feminism. Actually, like a lot of women in this part of the world, I take history for granted. I know I’m pretty safe to act however I wish and have a big mouth about any subject. I can drink, I can smoke (if I want to). I can put on my lippy and dance all night. However every once in a while – like today – I think how lucky I am to have this freedom. If you take me out of my world and put me in a place where I can’t dress how I want, or indeed leave my house without a male chaperone, then you take away everything that makes me, me. We’re all human, and all have the right to be equal and not live in fear. I’m thankful that there is an International Women’s Day as it makes me stop and realise how lucky I am and that this is not someone else’s fight. This is for everyone!